5 Hilarious Tim Cook and Phil Schiller Quotes During the Apple iPhone 5 Keynote

33 Comments

The iPhone 5 has been announced and to be totally honest, it looks like a really solid iPhone, but in the way a Mercedes will always be a really solid car. You’re not really buying anything tremendously new, you’re just buying an upgrade to a device that is essentially the same as its predecessor. Are the new Macs really all that better than the models just before it? Not at all. They’re just a little better. The best news is probably the price reductions of the 4 and 4S, which are basically just as good as 5 but now much more affordable. That being said, Tim Cook and Phil Schiller will not slow down Apple’s Reality Distortion Field which is apparent in the following 5 quotes.

Tim Cook with the iPhone 5

1. “Apple Stores Offer the Best Buying Experience and Customer Service On The Planet” – Tim Cook

The following is a 100% accurate true story experience of going to an Apple Store:

Apple actually has one of the worst retail experiences in the world. First, you walk in and somebody immediately accosts you with “Hi! How can I help you?!”, which is really annoying if you know what you want and just want to do a little browsing first. I’d like to feel a little independent. During the course of your browsing, about 5 more people will ask you “may I help you?” every 2 minutes until you finally cave and accept their help. Now comes the fun part: actually buying something.

Buying something at the Apple store involves standing there while somebody types out your order on their iPod when all they really have to do is just get the package and let you be on your way. But no, they have to stare at a screen while you stand there looking like an idiot and they figure out how to text the guy in the back what you actually want. “Wait, this is a business order? Okay, I’ll have to go get John in business relations.” So now they’re off to find John. Meanwhile, about 5 more employees will come up and ask you “can I help you with something?”. Yes, they’re off to find John from Business Relations. Now you have 5 people off to find John from Business Relations and you’re wondering how many people does this store employee? Thousands? They’re all just running around like Lemmings and you still don’t have the product you want to buy.

Here comes the worst part: finally, John from Business Relations emerges with the posse of 7 people you’ve sent to go find him and he is ready to process your order. After more fumbling with that iPod and getting you to input your personal info (it never registers your Apple ID), you still can’t walk away with your product because you’ve asked for a RAM upgrade, or a “RAM Slam” as they call it. You ask if you could just do it yourself to which they reply “no, sorry”, making you feel even more stupid than you already feel. So now you’ll have to wait 2 hours and come back.

You now leave the store, nothing in hand, and so frustrated that you’re ready to just kill yourself rather than have to go back to that dreaded Apple Store.

2. “Today we’re taking it to the next level. Making a huge leap.” – Tim Cook

This quote is great because the definition of “huge leap” is vastly different to Apple than it is to any of us. Along with this quote, I’d like to also submit the following as runners up to this:

“It’s THE best phone we’ve ever made.”

“I don’t think the level of invention has ever been matched by any other product we’ve done.”

A company would never launch a product and say, “it’s pretty great, but not as great as what we launched last year.” Although the crowd eats these lines up, everyone else in the world is rolling their eyes and trying not to laugh.

3. “It’s the world’s thinnest smartphone.” – Phil Schiller (7.6mm thin)

Wait, isn’t the DROID RAZR 7.1mm thick? That would make it the world’s thinnest smartphone, not the iPhone 5. Maybe this is Phil’s way of making fun of Motorola and Google, saying that the RAZR isn’t a true smartphone. Steve Jobs was really mad about Google coming out with Android because he thought it was a copy of the iPhone. Like George W Bush taking on the hate of Saddam from George Bush Sr., so too does Tim Cook take issue with Google after Jobs.

4. “What makes iPhone 5 so unique is how it feels in your hand. The materials… the remarkable precision. Never before have we built a product with this extraordinarily level of fit and finish.” – Phil Schiller

You know what makes my BlackBerry unique? How it feels in my hands. It just feels different than other smartphones. Hey Phil, you know why? Because it is different. I’m sure the iPhone 5 is a wonderful device in terms of manufacturing and design, like all Apple products, but to say “what makes iPhone 5 SO unique”, means that it’s not really that unique at all.

5. “iPhone 5 and iOS 6: the biggest things to happen to the iPhone since the iPhone.” – Tim Coook

This quote could have gone along with number 3, but it’s just so insane it needs its own section. What does it even mean? It’s like a puzzle wrapped in an enigma shrouded in mystery.

Honorable Mention: “iPads are being used everywhere by everyone… almost all of the Fortune 500 are testing or deploying iPad. They’re investing in custom apps — something none of them do on the PC!”

Fortune 500 companies do not make custom apps for their organizations on PC? Wait, so they don’t have any in-house software for their IT departments or to interact with their server infrastructure or sales teams? No, this is obviously not true. Fortune 500 companies spend a lot of time and money building in-house solutions and acquiring companies to help grow their in-house solutions. The Reality Distortion Field here is probably centered around the definition of “custom apps”. What’s an app other than just a piece of software? Well if you spoke with someone at Apple, I’m sure you’d get a very convoluted explanation.

Also, “being used everywhere by everyone”. Wow, that’s almost 7 billion iPads!

For great keynote coverage, definitely check out gdgt live.

  • TeeJay2012

    I got to your point about the Droid being the thinnest… It is 7.1mm thick throughout BUT about 10.7mm at the bulge that holds the camera and loudspeaker. What is your point here besides you being untruthful?

  • Jasonp

    The stupidest blog post ive read? Whens blackberrys new phone coming out when iphone 7 is released?

  • oriorda

    Blackberry supporters should have long ago given up comparing the company they love and its products to Apple. You lost, big time. Get over it. RIM’s best chance of survival is surely not in a hopeless attempt to beat or even match Apple, but clawing a foothold in territory currently held by weaker outfits like HTC.

  • http://about.me/kylemcinnes Kyle McInnes

    Not a quote, but this was on Reddit. Apparently, with the new iPod touch you don’t need split-screen, even if two players are competing. (see pic)

  • http://about.me/kylemcinnes Kyle McInnes

    Let me help you:

    The stupidest blog post I’ve ever read. When is BlackBerry’s new phone coming out, when iPhone 7 is released?

  • http://about.me/kylemcinnes Kyle McInnes

    Nobody was making a BlackBerry and iPhone comparison here. But if you’d like, try attaching multiple different file types to an email reply. Have fun with that.

  • oriorda

    The entire article is effectively saying Apple are chumps. Really? Apple makes more profit from iPad covers than RIM does over its entire product line. It’s just plain silly to carry on carping about Apple and its products and by inference, suggest that RIM can compete.

    RIM may be able to carve itself a base to progress from. But I hardly think that will be taken from Apple’s base.

  • Raj

    I am not sure what you are trying to say here, other than venting off your personal hatred at the best ever phone in the world. Get a life, will ya.

  • Minority_Taxi

    The guy is playing, the girl is staring at her phone, take another look.

  • Minority_Taxi

    QUOTE: Wait, isn’t the DROID RAZR 7.1mm thick? What a retard, its thicker at the top, just like this ‘writer’. BTW, good luck when RIM goes bankrupt.

  • John

    How on earth do morons like Kyle qualify as journalists? Defies belief.

  • Barry Davis

    Okay, disregard the RAZR (which is the phone I use). It can be argued that since it desn’t have a uniform 7.1mm thickness, that the IP5 is thinner…although RAZR still wins on average thickness.

    But Cook was wrong anyway since the Oppo Finder is 6.65mm thick.

  • C

    WHY SO MUCH APPLE FANBOY BUTTHURT IN THE COMMENTS SECTION

  • http://www.facebook.com/amachel Austyn Machel

    I’m not the biggest Apple fan but at the same time I don’t necessarily agree with this column. To begin with the 1st point is just pure hating. What the F do you expect from customer service attendants in any store? Are they just supposed to look at you there all perplexed for like 5 minutes before they can approach you & ask to help you? SMH, this dude has failed. Then again, when was the last unique Blackberry launched? It’s the worst product to ever hit the smartphone world & I’m sure a generation worth of people agree.

  • FredGetsPolitical

    Normally I don’t condone “articles” like these with comments, but a few things stand out here. First, this is not an article, it’s an opinion piece and a very poorly constructed one at that. Second, I’m not sure why you’ve had such bad experiences with Apple retail stores, my experiences have been nothing magical but also not grossly offensive like yours. If Apple stores make you want to kill yourself, seriously, go get some help. See a doctor because you’re suffering from mental illness or serious depression, Apple’s Genius Bar can’t cure you. Getting past that, I’m interested to know what the logic is behind your “saying what makes iPhone 5 SO unique means that it’s not unique at all” comment. So, because I say I’m awesome, it means that I in fact am not awesome? Stating something immediately makes it untrue? I think that the new iPhone is very unique, no other manufacturers are producing phones with such high quality of materials coupled with one of the best user experiences available.

    Your comments about President Bush and Saddam Hussein are completely unwarranted, illogical, and offensive. Using your own logic, the fact that you call yourself a journalist means that in fact you are not, Sir.

    Good day.

  • http://about.me/kylemcinnes Kyle McInnes

    Who said I was a journalist? I definitely don’t consider myself one.

  • http://twitter.com/Bldshd189 su????m? ?li?nt?l?

    The worst product to ever hit the smartphone world?? There might not even be an iphone or any other smartphone if it wasn’t for BlackBerry. Before the iphone was made everyone either had a BlackBerry(or wanted one) had a basic cell phone, or probably didn’t have a cell phone

  • http://twitter.com/Bldshd189 su????m? ?li?nt?l?

    Ok your experience was magical? Stop eating mushrooms before you go to your local mall

  • http://twitter.com/Bldshd189 su????m? ?li?nt?l?

    Lol.. I love when people say this.

  • http://about.me/kylemcinnes Kyle McInnes

    Haha well I guess it’s just a coincidence that they’re both looking at their phones tilted in the same manner while the car turns in the same manner.

  • http://about.me/kylemcinnes Kyle McInnes

    I didn’t actually want to kill myself. Have you heard of embellishment? It’s a literary tool most often used in humor.

  • http://twitter.com/ThisThatYouMe Arshdeep ?

    Get a life.

  • Atma

    This guy is so envious !

  • Atma

    This guy is so envious !

  • KN

    …………… When did someone deny the amount of profit Apple makes? :| It’s funny how every time someone points out a problem with an iPhone/iPad/Macbook the fans jump in and say things like “But Apple made more money in the final quarter of 2011 than Google did the entire year!”. Well, okay, so what? Yeah they made a lot of money off people who can’t tell quality from hype. They do say common sense isn’t so common…

  • KN

    The Ascend P1 S is actually thinner than the RAZR…

  • oriorda

    I suggest that’s EXACTLY the sort of head-in-the-sand attitude that characterized the last 5 years of the Balsillie era at RIM: the assumption being people buy Apple products only because of the hype whereas if they were blessed with the analytical ability of RIM customers, why, they’d choose a RIM product every time.

    Apple makes a ton of money for one reason only: LOTS of people buy their products, figuring the company offers great value for money. Purchases are, in the vast majority of cases, individual decisions by folks spending their own hard-earned money. To imagine they’d be happy to toss away their cash without thinking about it is to dismiss their ability to figure out a deal when they see it.

    And to say Apple doesn’t make quality is just plain silly. They are building high-end precision engineered products that ‘just work’ and offering them at competitive prices, in volume. It’s like being able to buy the quality of a Rolex at the price of a Casio.

    It’s far from easy to make things that ‘just work’.

    The easiest thing in the world is to add more buttons and connectors, add more convolutions in your software to provide choices that just end up confusing the user. The art is in stripping stuff away without compromising utility. It’s a skill Apple has grown over 30 years and it’s now in the company DNA. Almost everything they do is built on this principle. To many, that’s a sign of real quality. Your definition may differ, but you would be in a small minority on that. As I said, LOTS of people choose Apple.

  • oriorda

    Using the word ‘fanboy’ to denigrate those who appreciate Apple’s quality is always a sign that a weak argument is about to be served up. It’s a tired word that needs to be put out to pasture..

    The main point is that this silly article pokes fun at Apple’s iPhone 5 Keynote (which is OK in itself, everyone should be able to take a joke and there surely was stuff in Apple’s presentations that one could chuckle at), but the problem is the inference that today RIM remains in some way a competitor to Apple. That’s the point of difference my comments at least are trying to address because, in my opinion, RIM is no longer relevant to Apple.
    The focus for RIM ought to have nothing to do with competing with Apple, but taking on weaker companies against whom RIM stands a chance of carving out a successful future.
    Poking fun at Apple is an unhelpful a legacy from the days when RIM was indeed a powerful competitor to Apple, and of course from the time when it was itself much stronger than Apple in the phone market. But those days are gone and will not come back. RIM lost. You can thank Balsillie for that.
    What would be good to see is articles pointing out where RIM can beat weaker companies like HTC, LG, Microsoft/Nokia and Samsung (but good luck with the last two.) Forget Apple, it’s off in the distance doing its own thing.

  • Kyle is an idiot

    Good.. ‘cos u ain’t!

  • John

    Does it really matter? Go ahead and answer him!

  • KN

    I’ve used enough Apple products to know how they ‘just work’ and I can’t deny that they make great things. But the revolutionary era has passed for them. I haven’t seen the Apple ‘wow’ factor in the last 2 years, they’re just giving their products small improvements, and marketing them as the best. The revolution that was expected of Apple that came from products the iPod, and then the iPhone, iPad, Macbook, aren’t happening anymore. Every year or so Apple jumped ahead of the time, they don’t now. :)

    I think the iPhone 5 would be a great phone, and undoubtedly help Apple make a ton of money. But there is competition now that is just as good, and maybe a little better in some areas. I just expected them to do something a little bigger. :)

  • oriorda

    You make sense on this, in my opinion. But if I may make a distinction, it’s not in terms of technical achievements that there’s no wow. I’ll give a few examples later. The problem you express, in my opinion, is that expectations among many are unrealistically high for the next great thing in iPhones.

    The reality is, we can’t have paradigm shifts on every renewal cycle. Users become familiar with the way the iPhone works, in particular in relation to its integration with the iOS/OSX eco-system. The trick therefore is to resist change for change’s sake, but still bring worthwhile – and inspiring – improvements to the experience.

    There are some big ‘wows’ to be had, nonetheless. LTE (if it works as Apple says it does) will be massive for iPhone 5 users because hitherto, LTE implementations have been power hogs. Photo Stream Sharing is a BIG wow for the effortless way photos can be shared among a group. Social network nuts will jump right on this, but business users will too. I think we will surely see enhanced apps being developed to take advantage of the 2X speed bump overall.

    And the Maps facility looks really cool to me. Not just for the sheer usefulness of the approach Apple has taken, but because it gets us out of the Google ad-driven environment at least for this application area. I really do not want my mobile experience to become as ad polluted as TV certainly has been for decades, and the mainstream web along is today. Google is an ad business (98% of its revenue is from ads) so you can expect Android to be a funnel for ads, as indeed it is already. Hopefully Apple will not go this route.

  • Techgaze

    I have used apple products for over 20 years, I have an iPhone, ipad and an iPod. I have several macs and I also have few pcs. Now, the apple store experience I had was horrible when I got my latest iphone. They refused to give me the box before opening it and configuring it, they refused to give me another device after the lady dropped it on the counter while unplugging it saying that it was fine and iPhones are built to be dropped. I cannot order an iMac Because they’re trying to make the impossible possible. Yes Timmy is an idiot.